Last Night
by Jediempress
Summary: Sephiroth wakes up in a strange room in a strange situation.  Now he's out to find out how he got there.  Probably a crack fic but hopefully fun. Completed.
1. Chapter 1

Okay, this is total crack-fic. You have been warned. There will be two parts to this. It's another three word prompt, this time provided by my future sister-in-law. Her cousin Lydia put together the plot. The words will be listed at the very end.

Thank the Force I don't own these guys.

Last Night

The first thing he was aware of was that he had a throbbing headache. He did not get headaches. The second thing was that he was naked. That in itself was not terribly unusual, he had slept in the buff before. It was the third thing was what made it peculiar: he was in a hotel room.

He lifted his head and flicked his green eyes about. Yes, definitely the hotel on the edge of town. How in the name of Mother did he end up _here_?

He sat up and that was when he realized that he was stuck to the sheets. He grimaced, rolling a bit to the left. The bottom sheet reluctantly pulled away from his black shoulder wing. When he tried to move said wing however, it took a great deal of effort.

Turning his head, he stared in disbelief. The large feathers were literally coated with what smelled disturbingly like maple syrup. A quick glance down confirmed the same was true for the lower wings.

What the hell had happened to him last night? More importantly, _how_? He was Sephiroth; malevolent, sadistic, living embodiment of darkness. He was also a highly trained, perfectly sensitized SOLDIER. There was no way someone could have done this to him.

And he certainly didn't do it to himself.

In a burst of anger, he tore himself from the bed. The few pulled out feathers where barely noted. The bulk of his body was syrup free, the wings taking the brunt of the substance.

His eyes scanned the room, searching for any clue as to how he had come to be in this position. The room itself was trashed, a lamp knocked over, an upturned chair. The bedding was thrown haphazardly across the floor.

It would appear he had a wild night. Too bad he did not recall any of it.

A small pad of paper on the desk caught his eye. He stepped over and moved the pen on top of it. _Last night was phenomenal! Thanks for the memory!_

He stared at the note for a very long time.

He had no idea how this had happened. Never had he found himself in a position close to this. Well there had been that one incident with Zack but that had a very logical explanation behind it despite the rumors Reno had spread about it for weeks after.

He turned and located his clothing, spread among the sheets. Then he noticed another sheet of paper under the door. Scooping it up, he read it over and then incinerated it. Not only had someone found a way to… he didn't know what exactly but they had also stuck him with the bill.

Sending a silent curse out to whomever, he went for the shower in the hope he could remove the horrible substance from his form. It was beyond difficult to clean those damned feathers.

Someone was going to pay.

--0—0—

It took over three hours but the syrup was gone now. Several feather had to be sacrificed but he still looked more or less intact. Unfortunately, the smell refused to leave and he vowed at that moment to never again eat anything that would potentially involve syrup.

Wet hair bound back into a tail, he tore the note off the pad on the nightstand. The handwriting was rather feminine but that did not mean anything. The slant told him the person was right handed, which also did not narrow things down.

He left the room, striding down the hall imperiously. With a look that dared the innkeeper to say one word, he tossed some munny on the front desk. He was not going to make the old man suffer for something he had no control over.

Sephiroth was better than that.

Out on the street, he paused for a moment to decide where he would go first. Then he went left. Though he highly doubted the man would know anything, Strife was always a good choice to vent some frustration out on. The blonde always had the perfect reaction.

He always knew just where to find him also. It troubled Sephiroth sometimes how keenly aware of the man he was. Other times he was delighted by it. Something in the back of his mind noted that he really did have a sick fixation on Strife.

Rounding a corner, Sephiroth tried to keep his attitude casual. He really wanted to simply start torching Radiant Garden and demanding answers. However he had learned the first time he did that, that the consequences of such action far outweighed the satisfaction.

Plus one never learned actually learned anything from it.

Strife glanced over from his place against the wall and sighed heavily. The man then returned his eyes to the stone beneath his feet. He did not bother saying anything.

The former general stepped before him and regarded the other. "Hello, Cloud."

"What do you want?" The blonde sounded tired.

"The same things I always want. Why do you continue to ask such pointless questions?"

Cloud did not move. "Why do we continue this pointless war?"

Well, Strife was feeling philosophical today. That boy of his must have called. Sephiroth had only seen the kid once, not having the opportunity to speak to him but from the bit of conversation he overheard had come to decide that he would likely enjoy a conversation with the teenager.

He wondered how Cloud would react to that.

Suddenly Cloud looked up. "Is that maple syrup?"

This question caused Sephiroth to dispense with the pleasantry. He removed the scrap of paper from his pocket and handed it to the blonde. "Do you recognize this handwriting?"

Cloud did not bother to look at it. "Why?"

"Just answer."

He took the item and glanced over it. "It's kind of familiar…. Reminds me of Zack's actually."

Zack? Come to think of it, the man had had rather girlish handwriting. Regardless, there was no way he could have been the writer considering he had been dead for how long now?

Sephiroth scowled.

"Why?" Cloud repeated.

"That is not your concern." The long haired man stared at the ground in thought.

Cloud snarled. "Then why are you bothering me with it?"

Sephiroth arched one elegant eyebrow at him.

"Right." The blonde muttered. He looked at his nemesis oddly. "Where did you get that note?"

The question was met by stony silence.

Cloud bit his lip, an idea coming to him. He thought he knew every one of Sephiroth's expressions. The one he was wearing now however was new and was becoming quite intriguing. The man was uncomfortable.

"Someone left you that, didn't they?"

Sephiroth turned, deciding that Cloud would be of no help to him.

Suddenly, the blonde laughed. "The Great Sephiroth had a one-night-stand and doesn't remember it? That's something I never expected to hear."

Slitted green eyes narrowed.

Now curious, Cloud regarded the former general's back. He was not sure why he was doing this but he stepped forward. Now standing beside Sephiroth, he held out his hand. "Let me see that again."

Sephiroth handed over the note without a word.

Cloud studied the writing again. "At headquarters, we have a lot of written documents, reports and complaints and such. There might be something there that this would match up with."

Sephiroth flicked his eyes toward the blonde. Was the grunt implying…..?

Cloud began walking. After a few steps, he paused. "I'm not doing this by myself."

"Why are you…?" The older man was already certain of the answer.

The blonde was a predictable as ever. "I want to know just who in all the worlds was able to pull one over on you."


	2. Chapter 2

Two hours later, the two were still settled at the table in the middle of Restoration Headquarters pouring over piles of signature cards. They had formed two piles: the possible matches and the definite no's. The ruled out one's far exceeded the potentials.

They did not speak a word to one another from the moment they had entered the room. Cloud had pulled the cards and placed them on the table as Sephiroth set up the note so that it was in clear view. Then in silent understanding they had set to work.

Sephiroth was quickly losing patience with this. The casual glanced Cloud kept sending him did not help his mood either. He knew Strife was enjoying this way too much. Why hadn't he killed him yet?

The blonde's phone rang and he set down his last stack of cards to answer it. Judging by the large grin that crossed his face when he looked at the display, Sephiroth was going to be on his own for a while. He simply continued flipping through his stack, calculating the most efficient yet satisfying way to make whoever had started this mess suffer.

"Hey… Right now? Going through the signature cards… You wouldn't believe me if I told you…. Helping Sephiroth…. Seriously….. Why are you laughing?"

The former general ground his teeth. He turned toward Cloud silently willing him to burst into flames. Unfortunately, he still understood that he needed the puppet alive and cooperative if he stood a chance of finding the one who would cease to exist shortly after his identity was revealed.

Cloud chuckled. He flicked his eyes toward the silver-haired man. "I'll call you back later, Riku. I think Sephiroth is getting ready to torch something. … Right. After seven, got it."

He shut the phone and pocketed it. Then he retrieved his stack of cards.

"What? No heartfelt 'I love you's'?" Sephiroth snickered.

"Sorry to disappoint you." Cloud mumbled, eyes focused on his cards.

"Do you ever find it disturbing that the One of the Twilight shares several traits with my?"

Cloud barely reacted. "Does he? I never noticed."

Sure he did not. Any idiot could see the similarities. Deciding that now was not the time to get Strife agitated with him, he dropped the subject. "I did not find anything even remotely close."

"I'm not either." Cloud pursed his lips, flipping through the last few. He tossed them on the definitely no pile. "Well, there are twenty possible but none of those were really any good."

Sephiroth nodded agreement.

The door flew open and Cid stalked in. He did not look over at the other half of the room, dropping into the chair before the computer. He grumbled under his breath as he pulled out a cigarette. "Damn, cursed abomination. That's the third fucking time this week."

"What's wrong now?" Cloud began gathering the cards. He did not bother trying to re-alphabetize them. Leon would be pissed when he found out but Cloud did not care.

Cid turned in his chair to answer. The words died in his mouth. Instead, he narrowed his eyes at Sephiroth. "What's he doing here?"

"A pleasure to see you again also, Highwind."

"Shut the fuck up."

Before Sephiroth tried to kill the middle aged man, Cloud explained. "I'm helping him with something."

Cid snorted. "Since when were the two of you all buddy-buddy?"

Cloud stood, picking up the hotel note and walked over to the computer. He held it out for Cid to read. "Since this."

Cid looked it over and narrowed his eyes at the younger blonde. "Tell me you didn't write that."

Cloud simply smacked the other man's arm.

Frowning, Cid leaned back so he could see Sephiroth around Cloud. "Never figured you the one night stand type."

"I'm not." The ex-general stated irritably.

"Does the writing look at all familiar?" Cloud asked.

Taking a closer look, Cid blew out some smoke. "Actually…"

He turned in his chair and began routing through a stack of papers. After a few minutes, he pulled out a full sheet. "Gimme that."

He took the note and placed it on top of the paper he just retrieved. He grunted then handed them both to Cloud. The writing upon them was an exact match.

Sephiroth had come over now. He gazed over Cloud's shoulder. Upon seeing this, he narrowed his eyes at the engineer. "Who wrote this?"

"Beats the hell out of me." Cid shrugged. "It's just another work order. I get stacks of these damned things every day."

Cloud studied the sheet. "Where do the work orders come from?"

"Where ever they come from." Cid put out his cigarette in his boot. "That one is for the fountain in the park on the east end."

Cloud nodded and with scary precision, he and Sephiroth left. They walked calmly, side-by-side earning some very curious and a few concerned looks. These were ignored as they approached the under construction park.

Zell glanced up as they approached the entrance. His face scrunched in confusion as he nudged Leon beside him. "Aren't those two supposed to be sworn enemies or something?"

Leon straightened and turned in said direction. The cool expression did not change but his shoulders stiffened noticeably. "What's going on?"

"Who completed this work order?" Sephiroth questioned without preamble. Cloud held out the paper.

Leon slowly took it, still watching the pair carefully. Cloud seemed to be acting of his own accord. Sephiroth clearly did not want to be here. Leon glanced over the order.

"Well?" The silver haired man demanded.

The former SeeD glared. "Why do you want to know?"

Cloud smirked and handed Zell the note. The other blonde looked between the two papers, along with Leon. He grinned at Sephiroth. "Some one had a drunken one night stand."

"I did-" Sephiroth started. He shook his head. "I need not to explain myself to you."

Leon handed both papers back to Cloud. "I can't see Soubi getting involved with Sephiroth."

"Soubi?" Cloud glanced at the writing again. "I can't see it either."

"Why not?" Zell inquired.

Leon smirked. "Cloud's not the only one around here hung up on a minor."

"Fuck you, Leonhart."

"Not my job." Leon turned. "Soubi is at the fountain."

The three followed him through the park. Zell snagged a hot dog from a vendor as they passed and as he munched on it, decided to fish for more information. He fell back to walk beside Sephiroth.

"So, uh, you really don't remember who you were with last night?"

Sephiroth sighed. "I do not recall anything of last night."

"Well, what's the last thing you do remember?"

He thought about it a moment. "Eating dinner."

"Sounds like you were drugged or something." The tattooed man finished his snack.

Sephiroth paused. Something clicked into place and he snarled. "The pudding."

Cloud and Leon had stopped and were looking at him. "Pudding?"

"I'm going to kill her slowly and painfully." Sephiroth whispered.

"Who?" Cloud asked.

"Where is this Soubi?" Sephiroth continued on, his voice now perfectly controlled.

"Whoa." Leon took his arm. "I'm not going to let you go after him."

"I only want to ask him some questions. How he answers them with dictate his fate."

This was apparently enough for Cloud because he went forward and approached a slightly taller long-haired blonde standing near the non-working fountain. A cigarette dangled from his lips and after a few words from Cloud, he turned his face toward the other three.

Adjusting his glasses he came over, an almost bored expression to his features. He removed the cigarette from his mouth and looked Sephiroth dead on. "I wrote the note but I wasn't with you last night."

"Who got you to write it?"

"Reno."

Cloud threw up a hand as if he should have known. "Well, that makes sense."

"No it doesn't." Leon folded his arms.

"Reno has been trying to get with Sephiroth for _years_." Cloud explained.

"Then why the subterfuge?" Zell asked. "If he drugged Sephiroth to get him into bed, you would think he'd want people to know."

"Because he knows I will make him wish for death when I find him." Sephiroth snarled.

"He did say something about taking advantage to a situation." Soubi commented. "That's all I know."

Sephiroth stalked off, trailed by Cloud, Leon, and Zell. He knew exactly where to find the Turk. The redhead had just moved up to the number one spot of people he needed to kill.

He did not stop moving until he reached the bar. Then he burned down the front door.

He ignored the loud protests of the other three and strode through the flames. He by-passed the few patrons who stared in wide-eyed panic, heading straight for the redhead at the bar. Without a word, he lifted Reno up by his shirt.

Tattooed blue eyes glittered down at him. "Well that was a lot faster than I figured."

"You have five minutes to explain."

"Hey, you're the idiot who ate the pudding! That was supposed to be given to Sora."

Spring green eyes narrowed. "I will deal with _her_ later."

"Guess she didn't tell you what it was for, huh? Or didn't she label which had the narcotics?"

"Three minutes."

"I was asked to retrieve the item from you to give to Sora. When I got there, you were higher than most of the citizens of Wonderland." Reno shrugged. "I figured why not have some fun with the situation."

"What were you to give Sora?" Leon asked dangerously.

"Oh, it wasn't anything that would hurt him. Maleficent whipped up some drug and put it in some pudding. The goal was to mind-control him. Don't know for what."

Reno was beginning to realize that he very likely would be killed soon. He chuckled nervously at Sephiroth. "But, hey, I didn't take advantage of you. I knew better than to try that."

"So you simply humiliate me by stripping me naked, coating me in maple syrup, and leaving me to believe I had been involved in a tawdry affair."

"Hey! The syrup was _not_ my idea!" Reno protested. "That was Peeves!"

"That annoying poltergeist?" Zell asked.

Sephiroth looked torn between outright murdering the Turk, who did not seem in the least bit sorry for his actions, and taking the redhead prisoner and torturing him for several days.

He released Reno, letting him drop to the floor. As he straightened himself out, Sephiroth turned toward the still smoldering door frame. "I will have revenge, Turk."

Reno shakily laughed. "Oh, I know you will."

"If even a word is breathed out about this, I will send down a meteor on this world so large not even the Centra will be able to stop it. Understood?" Sephiroth paused at the entry way. "And you owe me 70 munny."

He did not wait for a reply.

Cloud, Leon, and Zell stared for a moment before turning as a group toward Reno. He had reseated himself at the bar and resumed drinking his beer. "Hey, I kept the kid from getting hurt, didn't I?"

"Wait." Cloud held up a hand. "Are you saying-?"

"Can I get another beer down here?" Reno interrupted.

Leon folded his arms. "You do realize Sephiroth will come after you."

"Yep."

Cloud shook his head. "So was it worth it?"

"To see that man naked?" Reno smirked. "Totally."

--0—0—

The words were pudding, maple, and narcotics. I hope you enjoyed the insanity. Soubi is from Loveless.


End file.
